Show Yourself

Every inch of me is trembling
But not from the cold
Something is familiar
Like a dream, I can reach but not quite hold
I can sense you there
Like a friend I’ve always known
I’m arriving
And it feels like I am home

There has been so much that I’ve wanted to say and so many drafts I started to write, but here I am: we are 38 weeks along and I haven’t written in months. The wait is almost over.

Over the last couple weeks as our early-November due date loomed, my anxiety started to increase. There was so much to do! Like going through baby clothes (was Ross really this tiny??), washing bottles (how does this piece fit together?), and freezer meals. Above all, the possibility of needing to pack up an entire household at a moment’s notice in the middle of the night to drive a few hours away in hopes of not missing the birth was enough to cause me to lose sleep. Somehow, even in the crush of trying to remember everything we needed to do, I found myself wasting (what could be) precious time as I inexplicably organized Ross’ closet and picked out matching Christmas pajamas— things that definitely could have waited.

Instead of our plan to head to Becca’s two days before the due date, I made the decision on Friday to leave early with Ross. Being there by mid-week this week would take a lot of the pressure off, and Kyle could follow along later— it would be easier for him to throw stuff in a bag than it would be for all of us plus the dog. Little by little I’ve prepared meals for Becca’s family, put the tiniest newborn clothes and a few bows into a small hospital bag, and cleaned the house (at least, it was clean, for about 5 whole minutes). We had a plan, and I felt good about it.

So it was quite a surprise, then, to be walking down the aisle in Trader Joe’s this morning when I got a text from Becca— she thought her water might have broken. She didn’t have any contractions and wasn’t sure this was it, but she was heading to the hospital to get checked out.

So after a quick checkout of mostly just wine and a few treats, we headed home to shower and throw things in bags, hoping there would be enough time to simply get there.

We’re in the car now; we’re on our way— as is Buttercup, who apparently wanted to be an October baby after all. Despite the initial panic and the rush to get everyone out the door, I feel calmer now— because it’s decided; the guessing and wondering is over. She is coming.

And I feel like we are standing on the edge of something amazing.

A photo from this summer, a small representation of a few things it took to get Buttercup here

Show yourself
I’m no longer trembling
Here I am
I’ve come so far
You are the answer I’ve waited for
All of my life
Oh, show yourself
Let me see who you are

– Show Yourself, Frozen II

You may have figured out that you know who Becca is in real life— if so, please remember to only use her pseudonym both here and on social media!

6 thoughts on “Show Yourself

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s