Struggling to Write

I’m back (again) from another mini-break. I know that I have taken to writing somewhat infrequently this summer, though it is not for a lack of thoughts or an unwillingness to share. Each day brings new experiences, some of which are wonderful and others that are painful. This process is still far from over for us and there is so much I want to write out, whether for purposes of processing or preservation. It’s important to me to be more diligent in posting regularly.

But, I am having a hard time knowing that there are others reading my posts who are still struggling with infertility, going through invasive procedures, and dealing with loss. I don’t want them to hurt because of what I’m writing, but I know that is impossible.

When I started this blog last October it was with the intention of keeping our friends and family informed throughout the complicated surrogacy process. I never expected to stumble into an amazing online community of people who are traveling similar roads. I never imagined that it would lead to me developing friendships with women around the world who can understand what Kyle and I are going through in a way that most never will. These friends and their advice, encouragement, and support has made a world of difference to me throughout the uncertainty and pain of our treatment this year. I am so grateful for each and every one of them and the impact they’ve had on our lives.

Although we get to move on to this new phase in our journey, I am often reminded of how many others are still hurting, still fighting, still waiting for their time to come. For me, they are no longer hypothetical couples “out there” dealing with infertility– they are people that I love and care about very much. I have followed their ups and downs for the better part of a year. I have prayed with them, hoped with them, cheered with them and grieved with them. The idea that my posts, my stories, and my photos might now be painful for them to read hurts deeply– not because I selfishly feel the need for them to be happy for me (which I know they absolutely are), but because I don’t want to do or say anything that could add to their pain.

I’ve thought about this issue every day since the day after we got our positive test. It weighs on my mind heavily. There is a lot that is difficult about pregnancy (especially surrogacy) after infertility, but one of the hardest aspects for me to accept is that there will always be others who are suffering. I hate that so much, and I hate feeling so powerless to do anything about it.

For those who are in the midst of it right now: you have not been forgotten.

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29 thoughts on “Struggling to Write

  1. Oh my dear… I can’t speak for anyone else but I just want to say, from me, that your posts don’t hurt me at all, being someone who is still waiting. I am super happy for you that you have a baby on the way and I can say from the bottom of my heart that I don’t feel ANY bad feeling towards you for finally being a mum! (Mom!) You have struggled and been through so much. And for me, as a long term infertile (ugh), I am heartened when I read of successes after long years of trying and overcoming obstacles.

    For sure it always hurts in real life when our friends just pop sprogs like it’s no big deal. But for the ladies (and gents) on here… it *is* a big deal. Every one has struggled and overcome mountains of obstacles to have their baby. Who would I be to begrudge them that? I want to shout from the rooftops that my friend is having a baby! Try not to take the weight of the world on your shoulders. Infertility is no-one’s fault, and if you happen to be lucky enough to have good fortune, that doesn’t negate your struggle that preceded it. It gives you insight and empathy. And it gives the rest of us hope.

    Love xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Nara. I really appreciate your understanding and kindness. I do worry about it because I know that there are some days that you just really don’t want to be reminded of things, and I never want to be the reason for someone hurting. More than anything, I wish we could all be taking these new steps together– but especially you and I. Don’t feel guilty if there is ever a day when you just can’t read a post. And I really can’t wait til we can celebrate together. I am going to be OVER THE MOON when you get your good news this fall! (Hmm, maybe I can find a little stars & stripes onesie to send to your new little Americophile someday! ;)) And for the time in between, I am always here and thinking of you.

      Also, can I say I really love the phrase “popping sprogs?” Every time you use it I just want to giggle. It’s not a phrase we come across often over here, but it sure is perfect!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my gosh, it’s funny isn’t it? I really never want you to feel that you can’t share something. Our blogs are *our* thoughts and feelings and no-one else’s. So I think it is good for you to share your authentic feelings… All of us in this community, we are strong! We’ve all been through pain, and we are able to deal with it. We support each other. I can’t wait for all these babies to be born who were wished for and awaited so long! And yes, if I ever get my little Americophile, I’ll hold you to the onesie! 🙂

        Yeah, we have some hilarious sayings in the UK. And even within the UK, we have different sayings in England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland! So there are lots of funny misunderstanding! I remember being in the U.S. and we all found the concept of “fanny packs” hysterical! 🙂

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      2. Bum bags! We did have them in the 80s or 90s (I can’t quite remember when… I never had one!) but I think they’re a kind of hipster thing now. Maybe I should get one for my trip to the U.S.! 😜

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  2. As a writer/blogger, I feel like you have a duty to share your genuine feelings.
    I can imagine that this is a tough spot to be in and a heavy weight to carry. On the flip side, I would never want hold someone back from enjoying or sharing their joyful feelings about their pregnancy. I feel like the fact that you are here and remember those of us still trying says so much. There will always be Cheering us on means the world!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh gawd…ignore that comment….I hit send before I was finished! To finish the end of that….scratch “There will always be” and instead I meant to write, Those of us still TTC need cheerleaders and who better than those who have succeeded in all different ways. Your sto

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  4. (SERIOUSLY….) Your story is incredible, so own all of it and share your feelings. If its a tough day for me, I may just not read it that day…but at the end of the day I want to read it!

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    1. Thank you so much for your multi-comment. 😉 I appreciate your thoughts and I have always wanted to be honest in this blog because there are so few opportunities in the world for us to share this struggle! I am honored to be a cheerleader for you guys and I can’t wait til you can join me over here too!!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. As always Ashley a beautiful way of sharing your deepest feelings. God bless you ladies for your wonderful responses. There is so much hope and strength in sharing your experiences. Lots of love and all good wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this, Heather. I don’t know where in the US you live, but I hope you know that when your time does come, you will hear me scream all the way from the mid-atlantic region!! I have so many good feelings about this next transfer for you and all day when I’ve remembered those 17 embryos I’ve just smiled to myself! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh is it a pic of me with my hand over my heart and a girl with her hand on her belly?? That’s actually my sister in law and she is due in September! I had the photo on there originally but then took it off because I was going to put it in a different post. I can’t even see it on my site! But I’ve noticed WordPress sometimes does that and they show up on the reader even if they were removed. So weird!

        Also I have friends in Temecula! I love visiting them and San Diego. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, I’m so sorry! I just assumed it was Elle! And yes, I struggle with WordPress doing weird stuff, too. My godson’s live in Temecula! San Diego is beautiful, too.

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      3. Haha, that’s okay! 🙂 It’s good to know that it can be seen! We were at her baby shower the other week and our husbands are twins so we wanted to get a pic. Elle isn’t showing that much yet, but we will see her in a little more than a week for the first time since the transfer so we’re looking forward to that!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. The sensitivity you write wiith is so caring & loving. I am sure others are inspired & given hope with your blog. Prayers for all who are struggeling to become parents and for you & Kyle, and the surrogate and her family, and that little one that will be so loved.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for writing these thoughts out. You write so beautifully – all of your posts and comments. I have been having similar feelings, and been wondering how to be. Not only in blogging world, but also in non-virtual life. I definitely do not want to post anything on facebook or any other social media. I have also been fairly slow in telling people about the pregnancy: partially because still, at times, I have the fear of loss, and because I wonder if there are people struggling with infertility that I don’t know of.

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    1. I completely understand all of these feelings. Other than links to this blog, I have not posted anything on facebook. I will never post an ultrasound photo there. I also worry about people in real life that I might not know about as well and want to be careful of their feelings. I have even thought ahead to what the future might be like with a baby and have wondered if I will ever notice someone glancing at my child with tears in her eyes the way I have done many times… or someone turning and walking the other way if they see me coming with my baby.

      I think dealing with so much pain ourselves has made us very aware of others who might be struggling.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I love your blog posts, whatever the content is they are always written beautifully. And now that you are so close to getting to the top of your mountain, you have to share your thoughts and feelings as honest and true to yourself. For me personally, reading your story of where you are now is just what I like and love about the blogging world – inspiration!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Dani (even though I now know your real name, I still think of you fondly as “pudding” from time to time 😊). That is such a a nice thing to hear and I truly appreciate the support. I am thinking of you often through these days! xx

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  9. Ashley, you are so kind to remember those still battling. I truly appreciate you recognizing that as many who have walked in our shoes sometimes quickly forget their audience and who they are writing to. Simply to recognize those still battling says a lot about who you are and I am SO very thrilled for you and your baby on the way. I can only hope and pray that I will be where you are one day celebrating and finally putting all of this struggle behind me. Your story helps those going through the same issues and I really appreciate you allowing us in. Congrats again and I will be rejoicing with you when your baby is finally in your arms…xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, that means a lot to me, although there is still part of me that is aching and wishing that we could all be celebrating together. It would truly make this time so much sweeter. I think of you, specifically, often. I can’t wait until you have good news to share. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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