It has been more than two weeks since my last post, perhaps the longest break I have taken since I started this blog. We have now past the 13-week milestone and are into the second trimester. It has been a full 3 weeks since we were able to last see Sweet Pea and we are still almost 4 weeks away from the next planned ultrasound. At that point, on August 19th, we will have our long-awaited gender confirmation appointment (assuming he or she isn’t being coy that day). Our flights are booked for the trip and we will finally be able to visit Elle & her family for a change. Most expecting mothers take for granted the ability to be at each of their baby’s ultrasounds, but this will be the first (and possibly only) appointment we will get to experience in person during the pregnancy. We’ve also decided to take a tour of the birthing center while we’re there since we don’t know if or when we can get back. We will be well into our 17th week by then, and while I’d like to say that all this progress has encouraged us to shed our anxiety and fully immerse ourselves in baby preparation, it still feels far too early for that.
We have not bought a single thing for Sweet Pea since the very first day we found out we were expecting (other than a little moose stuffed animal we brought back from our trip to Canada last month), and I have sometimes wondered if we will end up bringing the baby home to an empty nursery. Most of the plans and ideas we have for after Sweet Pea arrives are things we discussed and agreed on years ago (including everything from potential names to bedroom furniture), and each time we even come close to making solid plans I become extremely anxious. In many ways I feel as though I have been completely reprogrammed over the past several years to expect only the worst and I don’t know how to change that.
This past weekend Kyle and I took a day trip to where we will be living by the end of the summer. We were able to walk around the new apartment and see the room we hope will be Sweet Pea’s in a few months. In the (almost) six years we’ve been married, I can hardly think of a crazier time than now for us to have a baby. We will be leaving behind our steady income for Kyle to start a three-year grad school program. We will exchange our four bedroom house with a big backyard for student housing. And, after living less than an hour away from family for all this time, we will move a few hours away to a new state. This is not the way we had planned to have our family. It will be whole lot messier and much less convenient than it would have been if we’d just been able to get pregnant normally, but we have never really had a choice on “the right time.” We continued to pursue grad school for Kyle this fall because we’ve already learned the hard way that you can’t put your life on hold forever. It has been almost five years since I withdrew my own application for grad school in order to focus on getting pregnant before my health issues progressed too far. Now I have nothing to show for all those years and have grown to understand that most choices and options regarding family planning are only for the fertility-privileged.
To be honest, I don’t know what our lives will be like in the coming years or how exactly we’ll be able to get through, and that is unbelievably stressful. But as long as we get to bring that baby home, we’ve already gotten through the worst part.