A New Phase

It has been more than two weeks since my last post, perhaps the longest break I have taken since I started this blog. We have now passed the 13-week milestone and are into the second trimester. It has been a full 3 weeks since we were able to last see Sweet Pea and we are still almost 4 weeks away from the next planned ultrasound. At that point, on August 19th, we will have our long-awaited gender confirmation appointment (assuming he or she isn’t being coy that day). Our flights are booked for the trip and we will finally be able to visit Elle & her family for a change. Most expecting mothers take for granted the ability to be at each of their baby’s ultrasounds, but this will be the first (and possibly only) appointment we will get to experience in person during the pregnancy. We’ve also decided to take a tour of the birthing center while we’re there since we don’t know if or when we can get back. We will be well into our 17th week by then, and while I’d like to say that all this progress has encouraged us to shed our anxiety and fully immerse ourselves in baby preparation, it still feels far too early for that.

We have not bought a single thing for Sweet Pea since the very first day we found out we were expecting (other than a little moose stuffed animal we brought back from our trip to Canada last month), and I have sometimes wondered if we will end up bringing the baby home to an empty nursery. Most of the plans and ideas we have for after Sweet Pea arrives are things we discussed and agreed on years ago (including everything from potential names to bedroom furniture), and each time we even come close to making solid plans I become extremely anxious. In many ways I feel as though I have been completely reprogrammed over the past several years to expect only the worst and I don’t know how to change that.

This past weekend Kyle and I took a day trip to where we will be living by the end of the summer. We were able to walk around the new apartment and see the room we hope will be Sweet Pea’s in a few months. In the (almost) six years we’ve been married, I can hardly think of a crazier time than now for us to have a baby. We will be leaving behind our steady income for Kyle to start a three-year grad school program. We will exchange our four bedroom house with a big backyard for student housing. And, after living less than an hour away from family for all this time, we will move a few hours away to a new state. This is not the way we had planned to have our family. It will be whole lot messier and much less convenient than it would have been if we’d just been able to get pregnant normally, but we have never really had a choice on “the right time.” We continued to pursue grad school for Kyle this Fall because we’ve already learned the hard way that you can’t put your life on hold forever. It has been almost five years since I withdrew my own application for grad school in order to focus on getting pregnant before my health issues progressed too far. Now I have nothing to show for all those years and have grown to understand that most choices and options regarding family planning are only for the fertility-privileged.

To be honest, I don’t know what our lives will be like in the coming years or how exactly we’ll be able to get through, and that is unbelievably stressful. But as long as we get to bring that baby home, we’ve already gotten through the worst part.

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14 thoughts on “A New Phase

  1. Welcome to the second trimester! It does get easier and I only had one thing purchased at this point too. I started beginning to buy at 17 weeks once we knew the sex and am quickly getting way too into buying cute girl outfits hahaha.
    It’s funny but Stevie’s imminent arrival couldn’t really have been worse timing for my husband’s career, our house is still half building site etc either. Our babies are so planned physically (ivf injections, oestrogen, progesterone for our surros, transfer etc)without everything timed to ‘perfection’ yet it’s worked out for us both timing wise to be as though they weren’t at all planned!!
    Whatever happens our babies will be fine and they’ll be here and that’s the main thing! 😀

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    1. Thank you, Arwen! I do think it will be easier once we know the gender. It does seem like it will make things feel more real and I am looking forward to feeling more connected to Sweet Pea too the way you felt with Stevie once you knew she was a she! Wow, the last couple weeks before the gender scan are really hard! Do they just keep getting increasingly difficult? I am so anxious to know!

      I can’t complain about the timing. It is not the best, but you are so right– the main thing is that we will have our babies and I will NOT take that for granted. It has always been the thing I care about most. 🙂 I am glad to join you in the second trimester! How many more weeks do you have here? You guys are getting so close! It’s really happening. 🙂

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  2. I’m very happy for you that you get to go to the next ultrasound, to be there in person! I know the same anxiety in myself what you describe, and so far I haven’t bought anything yet for the baby. I’m still too scared. I was even hesitant when my friend here wanted to give me a present. It was a baby “handbook” (everything about pregnancy, birth, taking care of the new born, etc.). They had offered this book to us already earlier when we visited them – they have a six-month old daughter, and two copies of the book – but back then I didn’t want it yet. Well, now I have it, and have almost read it all through… I have often observed in my own life that changes tend to happen when there are also other changes going on. Suddenly, everything is happening right then and there, not at all as planned, and hoped. But somehow all still falls in place. I can imagine that it is stressful to leave your old home, and move to an apartment and further away from the family, but in the end, the baby will only care about having loving and caring parents around that she/he will have. xx

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    1. I completely understand! I was terrified to open the first little cards and gifts we got from people after sharing our news. I have started to appreciate them more the further we get in the pregnancy, but the fear can be consuming at times. I asked our gestational carrier if this was like her pregnancies with her kids and she said that it this experience is MUCH more intense. So even though anxiety is normal for all women, it is different for those of us who have had harder roads to get here. I hope that we are both able to enjoy the pregnancies soon!

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  3. While we agree that it is hard to have you move further away from family at this time: we love you and believe in you and are always here for you. We are praying for this precious child as he/she continues to grow and develop and we’re thrilled that you have made it to the second trimester. It reminds me of the quote from that movie – beginnings are scary and endings are usually hard, but its the middle that counts – let hope float up as you transition and move forward. xo

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  4. Sounds like things are progressing. Still have prayers in the works, think of you often, best of luck with the move. Live for today, tomorrow will take care of itself! Love you guys! Aunt Arlene

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  5. Glad to hear another milestone has been reached! It’s baby steps, but it’s always progress!
    Like my mother always says, “There’s no good time to buy a house or have a baby.” Rarely do the biggest events happen at the best times, but things will work out in the end. Have faith, even faith the size of a mustard seed!

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    1. Haha, that quote is perfect and SO true! Yes, the baby steps may feel small now, but they are starting to add up. And even though it doesn’t always feel like much is happening out here, the baby is taking leaps and bounds every single day! I never cease to be totally amazed. 🙂

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  6. What a great milestone to be reaching! I’m sure the 17th can’t come soon enough!

    I understand you have given up a lot for your little one and grad school still maybe a way away, it’s so tough financially and of course time wise. Just a thought, Have you heard of coursera? There are lots of free courses from universities that you could take to get you prepared for grad school and keep your mind going, it’s free so if it gets too much it doesn’t matter to give it up.
    Time is flying by, I look forward to hearing about the ultrasound in Aug and all the positive feelings I’m sure you will have once you see your little one!!!

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    1. Thanks for the suggestion! I haven’t heard of it, but I will definitely look it up because that would be great. I love to learn and feel a little stir-crazy if I take breaks from it for too long, so finding some courses to take would be perfect.

      These next couple weeks feel both like too much time AND not enough. It’s no where near enough time to pack up a house but too long to wait for the gender confirmation! In the beginning I was okay with waiting, but it’s really getting tough now. Plus, I am looking forward to having that connection with the baby since we are so far away from Elle.

      Thinking of you during these weeks! xx

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  7. Moving is SO stressful! I know tons about that. It can also be exciting, though, like decorating a new home :). As long as you have diapers, something to feed the baby, and a few clothes you’ll survive him or her coming home just fine. Everything wlse you can always add later. Of course, I’m sure you’ll have a ton of stuff before then.

    Can’t wait for the ultrasound! 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much! That is very true, and I’m sure the baby will not notice if the nursery isn’t completely done. 😉 How are you feeling? I hope your recovery is going well and that you’re getting pampered by loved ones. 🙂

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