Remember Us? We’re Still Here, Waiting.

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For so long now life has been happening around me. I’ve been vaguely aware of the passing holidays, the changing seasons, the endless snow and cold, but all of it has remained firmly in my periphery. I know that during this process I have often become distant, even absent. I’ve let relationships stagnate and have failed to meet all of my responsibilities. I’ve struggled to stay focused and missed opportunities to be there for others.

I have been surviving, but I have not been living.

Every time I scroll through our ‘Surrogacy Timeline’ page I marvel at all of the days, weeks, and months it represents since we made our first consultation appointment. Most people would have been able to get pregnant naturally in the time since we started this process; in fact, we know many who have. But for us, our lives have been completely consumed by trying to accomplish this seemingly simple act. It has been our main focus for these many months and for the years we struggled on our own beyond them.

Every time I think that I’ve come to accept that this is the path we have to take in order to try to have a child, I am again reminded of how much better this experience could be and how much easier everything is when you are healthy and normal. Obviously, nothing good can ever come from playing the comparison game, but it’s really hard not to sometimes question why we can’t walk the easy road too…?

We were so close to getting to the other side a month ago. But here we are, still trapped in this purgatory, and the waiting is torturous. There is no end in sight.

Receiving the news that our embryo transfer was unsuccessful did not come as a shock to us. These failures and setbacks have colored our lives for well over three years now. But, for most of our family and friends, anything other than a positive result was truly unimaginable. They didn’t know then what we did: that this is infertility. That IVF is not a cure-all. That no one– including us– is guaranteed a child. That often the answer is simply “no.” That there isn’t always a reason.

It was easier than I thought it would be to slip back into the kind of half-life we’ve grown so used to living. Again we’re forced to watch as everyone moves on around us and we drift further away. For us, there is no moving forward and there is no moving back. Only waiting; always waiting. It’s the hardest part of each round of treatment. Two weeks from now we will go through another embryo transfer (assuming our frozen embryo survives the thaw), but what will come after that is blank: completely unknown and entirely uncertain.

There is never anything to do but wait and wait and wait and watch our lives slip away by the day, the month, the year. That is infertility.

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15 thoughts on “Remember Us? We’re Still Here, Waiting.

    1. Exactly! I think your blog title is very clever. It definitely makes up the majority of your existence when you are dealing with infertility… always waiting for something to change. 😕

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  1. Ashley, I am so sorry that you guys are going through this. I’m sure it is hard not to become numb from the pain of it all. Waiting is certainly a difficult place to be. Do you know the date of Elle’s transfer? Keeping you three in my thoughts. ❤

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    1. Thanks, Heather. Our next transfer date is May 8th… or basically the Friday before Mother’s Day. I hate the timing of it, but that’s the earliest date we could get. I’m a little freaked out about sharing the exact date again because even though we asked people not to ask us about our results last time, they did anyway. If it happens this time around and we have to go again I have decided that I will lie about it next time, haha. Do you know when your FET will be?

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      1. Lol! Chris’s Aunt told us that she lied about her due date and told everyone it was a month later than it actually was. That way no one knew how close she was, and no one dropped in on them in the hospital. I think fibbing is totally acceptable (and brilliant)! I hope you never have to do another cycle, though. Our FET is scheduled for May 14. So a week after yours!

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      2. Oh good, we can be two week wait buddies! I’ll be thinking of you guys as you count down the rest of the days too and I’ll especially be praying for your embaby to come out of the thaw all warmed up and ready to go!

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    1. Thank you 🙂 I definitely don’t always feel strong, as I’m sure you can relate to, but it is nice to hear and remind myself of everything we’ve been through just to get to this point, as well as how far we’ve come. I admire your strength as well and have been thinking of you as you prepare for your next appointment. xo

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  2. You do very well in transporting feelings and emotions in this post. I can imagine your pain, the numbness that lies beyond pain, and also that spark of strength in you that makes you continue along your way. Wishing you all the best on your path to a life that feels real and whole.

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