The Breaking Point

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I haven’t updated on our “progress” lately because we are currently in survival mode. At the start of 2015 I believed that we’d be in the middle of our IVF cycle by now, but we finally received our projected dates only to discover that we have an even longer wait than we believed. I tried to fight back the bitter disappointment, but it has grown so great that I feel as though I will be consumed by it. We have reached a critical time in preparing for treatment, but I’m finding it difficult to remain strong for the future when today feels like my breaking point and tomorrow is always the worst day so far.

I often wonder how anyone has ever made it through this process before us. We’ve found ourselves under increasing amounts of unbearable pressure that likely would have broken me if I hadn’t already been broken a long time ago. And then two weeks ago, when I thought that our situation couldn’t possibly get more stressful, we woke up one morning to find that Kyle’s grandpa was in the hospital struggling with serious health problems. Since that moment we have been trying to find a way to get to Florida so that we can be with our family at this time. It’s horrible to be so far away and feel so helpless.

Each day feels like a new battle. It’s brutal, it’s exhausting, and there is no time to recover. There seems to be this misconception by some that we are in the midst of a fun adventure, but that couldn’t feel further from the truth. In reality it feels more like we are drowning, and to be told that we should be enjoying this time makes it all the more painful. We are still undergoing invasive medical procedures. We have wagered everything we have and then some on the chance of success. If this fails we have nothing to fall back on. There is no safety net here, just a lot of time, expense, and energy that we will not get back if we have placed the wrong bet. A few months from now we will know the answer, but until then we are going out of our minds from the torture of not knowing and the possibility of facing even greater loss.

It’s days like this that I feel like I would cut this innate desire for children out of my soul if I could. Certainly, without it, my life would be easier. I wouldn’t have lost these many years to the waiting or the physical and emotional pain I’ve endured in trying to save my fertility from the time I was 12 years old. Who would I be and what could I have accomplished if I hadn’t been bound by this overwhelming need? I guess I’ll never know because I have never had the luxury of being able to take this part of life for granted or the ability to let this one thing go.

When I started this blog I promised myself that I would not sanitize this experience, if only for the sake of the others who suffer through it silently. Still, I find that there is so much more that I want to say but can’t, for whatever reason. You wouldn’t have been able to tell, but I am trembling as I write these words. This part of my life, this part of my self– it is ugly and it is dark. Clearly, I have reached a very low point in this journey. My patience has worn thin and my strength is gone. I hate to appear weak more than anything, but right now there is almost nothing I wouldn’t give to make the pain stop. If that makes me weak, then so be it.

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3 thoughts on “The Breaking Point

  1. I am so sorry for your unimaginable pain. I wish there was some way to make it all better for you. Please know prayers and love are being sent to you & Kyle. Try very hard to not give up. I know it seems easy for others to say that, but know that not in quite the same way as you but in a different way I have experienced unexplainable deep pain. The only thing that keeps me going some days is to tell myself God is still in control of my life. Sometimes I doubt he cares or he would change my circumstances, but I also know His timing is perfect, there may be something He needs to do with me or others and he is still working it out & it is not time yet. I know you are loved and He will work this out for you. When we are weak He is strong. Please take care & know others care & are praying for blessings for you.

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  2. Ashley this was the most intense post I have read. I’m glad you put it in writing for the other people that can relate. For those that haven’t been where you are to have some insight of what you and Kyle are going through and have been through. I am so deeply touched by your writings. I really want to be there with you right now to hug you and cry with you. I really hope everything goes smoothly from here on. I have faith that the end result will be another beautiful, healthy addition to your family. Best wishes to your family. Keep your head up. You have made it through this far I know you will press on through. It won’t be easy but you are strong. Never forget that!

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  3. Ashley and Kyle, I am so heartbroken that you have to go through so much misery and pain to achive your goal. Just know that many, many people are going through this with you. Take one day at a time. This to shall pass. Our prayers are constantly with you. We too wish we could be there and do something to help, unfortunaltly we have no super powers, it is in Gods hands, and he seems to be taking his time to get it right, one day, you will be blessed with a new little one. How can you not? You have been through so much already! Keep the faith, and remember, this to shall pass. We love you so much, and will keep following you on your journey! Hugs and Kisses. Aunt Arlene and Uncle Jim
    So sorry to hear about Kyles grandfather. Hope he pulls through all this without to much trouble. Our prayers are also with him.

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